How do you conduct yourself when you feel like an abandoned house? Once precious laughter rang from every corner, now I am devoid of it. Since the glow of my world left, no light shines through the windows. The walls have become dull and yellowish. Bats and spiders have become the new tenants. They mock my sorrowful tunes, which have become hollow and lifeless without your silly grumpy complains. With a sliver of hope, I keep the door wide open, hoping that one day your roaming feet will find its way home. Everyday I disperse small pebbles of love for you to pick in case you are lost.
I fear the maze that has been built. It looks attractive with the green uniform hedges. I know, your innocent eyes will not detect the poisonous weeds burrowed inside. But I need you to see. Examine closely. Through the cracks of the stone path. Even the beautiful dandelion is a weed.
If only you knew, how hard I try to mow the lawn. Tend the flower beds. However difficult it may seem, to cut down the tangled dense thicket, I still do it. I do not mind the prickly thorns, as long as I can shield you.
And when I become overwhelmed, I paint my sadness on the canvas of wind. So it can evaporate to the gloomy clouds of my heart before anyone can have a glimpse. It will eventually pour down as tears of rain. I will lower my gaze with slumped shoulders, to wait. To wait for a long time. Waiting for the storm within me to subside.
They say time heals everything. When the arrow of ridicule pierce you over and over again with a never ending vengeance, then what do you do? What do you do when someone discovers your Achilles’ heel?
Yet with an unknown future, I never once regret for standing on your doorstep. To see your sweet smile. To be a part of your small world. To make a promise. I cannot always be present. But I will forever love you with all my heart. One day you will understand. From my unshed tears, I never showed you. From my ache, I never let you feel. From my prayers, that you never heard, and God being the only witness. From the special place in my heart, always vacant just for you. Because I believe I have an equal right over you.
Darling child, maybe someday you will understand the aching of a father.